The zapper strikes again

Last night I was exhausted. I mean I couldn't even roll over in bed, I was so tired. The problenm was I couldn't really fall asleep. See, here I was, thinking of you. How I use to look up to you and, you always made me feel like I was important. But did you really? I mean I look back to things I use to go ga-ga over about you, and now I wonder; why? You never told me I was beautiful, so why did I always think that's what you thought? You never starred longing into my eyes, so why was that the main feature in my poetry? Why do you have this magnetism that draws me to you? It's like your the all mighty bug zapper, and I am the hopeless fly being directed into your light. So why do you want to zap me so bad? It's like you knew how I felt, so why did you keep me thinking we had something? Why did you lure me to you, only to be zapped by your actions.
When I heard how you hurt me, I was frantic. I cried, I screamed, I fought. I was stuck in a frenzy that I couldn't escape. Because I tied everything to you before, and now even these chocolate chip cookies I'm baking at work remind me of you.
Then I slept. My mind untangled knots in my brain, that consciously I couldn't even touch. It sorted it all out for me, and placed band-aids on the wounds.
Now I look back and smile. Why did I waste my time?
The right guy for me, will not have made up features; and the fairytale I write about after a warm fall evening of bliss, will be true.

Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

Sometimes I have fantasies of finding...,"him." You all know who I'm talking about too.
He's the boy that sweeps you off your feet,
the one you want your parents to meet.
He's the charmer out of all the guys,
the one who loves a good suprise.

And sometimes I wonder if he's out there. Like maybe he's even reading this blog. Who knows right? I mean I just wish that one day someone would write a romance novel on my life. How cool would that be?

I also tend to write poems about a lovely boy whom I've never met. I don't know his name and I don't know where he is. But somehow I know him.

Yearning for that person the one who's wanting me,
Searching but are you out there, my beautiful mystery?
Peeking around each corner, sneaking behind each door,
Running down the hallways, scrambling on the floor.

Do you know I'm out there? Are you searching too?
Please just shout my name, if only you knew.
What is your name my beautiful mystery, do you know mine?
Just jump out from your hiding place and we will be fine.

Sprinting around the corner but as usual it is bare,
Gazing down the dark hallway it's daring but should I dare?
Tip toeing across the floor making every step slow and sly,
Come out; come out wherever you are no need to be shy.

My imaginary mystery please don't make me search anymore!
I've had all that I can take please just jump out from that door!
Counting down to nothing and still you are not there,
You are not over there or, here, you are not anywhere.

Do you even exist, on this planet beautiful mystery?
Do I have a fate or is my love life just history?
If you are searching for me please tell me loud and clear,
I am tired of being solo, dear mystery I need you here.

&& sometimes when no ones looking I smile and wish that he would find me...

The lullaby of my sleepless nights

The crackling noise of the blueberry jar candle takes the sound barrior in my room to a new level as "Bella's Lullaby," plays it's rhythmic harmony in my ears. The lights are off as my shadow flickers and dances on the poster filled walls. My pillow underneath my head is at the perfect angle making it hard for my thoughts not to drift. My long lashes ache to keep open as I fight my hardest to hit the last note of this beautiful melody. Just then the wind crackles and howls at my window almost begging for an escape itself. I feel the room get colder as I burry myself tighter underneath the red suede blanket. As soon as I drift to sleep, I'm awoken by my workout playlist banging in my ears. A quiet sleep turns into drum beats.

The thirteen envelops that changed the world

Exhilarated- marked by overwhelming usually pleasurable emotion

That's how I felt when I received the third letter. My bare feet speed down the pavement to the frozen gray mail box, a joyous smile spread across my face. My warm hands shivered against the frigid box as I grabbed the pile of letters and bills. Searching and dividing in piles It landed in my hand, all I could do was stand still and smile. Insticts took over me and I ripped the envelop open like a wild animal. It lyed in my hands the letter of success.
Dear Kaila M. Beckner,

We are pleased to inform you that your poem, "Daddy's story," has been published second place in our book...

I couldn't believe it! My hands started shaking and I screamed! I jumped up and down my feet landing hard on the soft carpet. I bolted up the stairs like a lightning bolt, to my mom.
"I made it! I made it!" I screamed at her.
She smiled and hugged me.
Now I have thirteen poems at least in the the five of every book I've been published in.

Adjective that bounce

Why are people so engrossed in ruining others self confidence? There are different theories out there, they want to feel better about themselves, they don't have friends, or they're jealous of you. I have my own theory. I think people judge others, talk behind others back, and call others names, to avoid thier own problems. Now you might think I'm wrong but, that's the only time I've ever done it. I'm sure everyone does it too, think about it; you have a fight with your parents, you fail your driving test, then you see him/her; your target. You might not even realize it but we all do it.
I'm so sick of being the name in everyones mouth, but you know what's worse? When they speak it to your face. Have you ever had someone tell you what they think of you and it's not pleasent? There words are so hurtful you just want to run and never be seen again, yeah it's happened to me numerous times. Most of the times the person doesn't realize it until the tears start to form. Then they most likely still don't care.
There's this person who's supposed to be like a grandmother to me, but constantly in her mouth, I'm a failure. Can you imagine your step grandparent talking bad about you? I couldn't either until it happened. Her words constantly haunt me...

"You're fat...you're never going to make it as a writer, you might as well give up...why even wear makeup it wont make you pretty...that shirt isn't flattering on your midsection, go change....."
It never stops!

So one day I just overcame it, I remember I heard a song and I realized I'm okay with me so that's all that matters and I wrote this,

Molded Adjectives

Smokey darkness surrounds the pupils in my eyes.

Lumps of air and spit are getting wedged into my throat.

My tongue is dry and all I can taste are your words.

As they envelop me I fall more and more away.

Gripping into my wrists, they want me to feel pain.

Wanting to feel isolation, eyes reminding me of ache.

Tears slip down my cheeks, burning like acid.

As one slips onto my lips, ice overcomes me now.

My bottom lip quivers, as spit barely covers the top.

Eyes close tighter, trying to create a barrier for these tears.

Breath quickens as you look at me with satisfaction.

You have done it, captured me with your venom.

Words suck deeper into my flesh, all I feel is adjectives.

Scrambling over my body like tiny bugs on dirt.

I though, am lower then dirt in your twisted thoughts.

Well to me dirt has never tasted so tantalizing.

So spit on me those adjectives, for I am stronger now.

You are nothing but, another bruise upon my heart.

Molding into a form of blue along the others among it.

Blue, bright, and mysterious, possibly my new color.

Jesus take the wheel

Awoken froma slumber in the front seat of the pick-up truck, all I heard was, "Kaila!! Hold on!" Immediatly my nails dug deep into the leather seats. I pushed myself against the interior with as much force as I had. I felt us spin, shake, and slide. I didn't see it, because my eyelids kept shut. I didn't want to see what has happening. Then with a hard jerk the right wheels came up about a foot then, slammed our bodies back into place. I opened my eyes. There was no blood, not even broken glass. Immediatly I looked to my mom, she starred petrified out the front window, hands still on the wheel, shaking. She looked to me then, "are you okay?" All I could do was nod as I examined her body and then the car. My makeup that was on the dashboard was now scattered by my mom's feet. Our pops that were in the cupholders were now on top of the dash by my mom's window. There was dark mud smeared on the left side of the car, and grass stuck in my window. Just then someone was approaching our truck. A boy from my class, I knew him and he looked almost as scarred as I felt. My mom started dialing 9-1-1, I can't forget how shaky her voice sounded. They appeared and so did this man, I still don't know his name, when we heard screetching tires. My mom and I looked behind us because, we were now facing traffic, and there was another car in the ditch. The police officer went to them and this kind man helped us out. He wouldn't except the money my mom was throwing his way. And he too went to check on the other car. He pulled them out with his chains, just as he did us. Still no name, and no money. My mom scarred to drive, only went 30mph on the interstate on the way home. Just about ten minutes later, we saw a car slide and roll down a ditch four times the size of what we went into. They rolled, and landed upside down. I was histarrical. All that was in my mind was that could have been me, I could have been seriously hurt, I could have never gradguated, I, I, I. The tears rolled down my eyes in a black mess from my mascara. Never again will I take sleeping in a car lightly.

I miss your smile and I still shed a tear every once in a while

He is gone. No one can bring him back, and it kills me. I hate the holidays without him, I hate everything without him. There is nothing I can do. My dad passed away some time ago, and it still haunts me.
I hate the jealous feeling I get around my friends because of it. I envy the laughs they have and the overprotectiveness my friends hate. What I would do, to have him here to hate all boys. I'm even envious of people I don't know. I'll see dads holding there daughters and swinging them around, and it pains me. Sometimes I want to run and scream.
Sometimes I can't escape thinking of him. A song will come on about missing your boyfriend and he pops in my head, and I cry because I miss him.
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I can't talk to anyone. Because it happened so long ago people think that it's easier to deal with and they can't understand my tears. But everytime I think of the night he passed I bawl. Tears just run from eyes.
I miss him.

My eyelids shutter to open, as the sound of the crackling TV awakens me.

Swinging my three-year-old legs out of bed, in a hurrying motion to find my dad.

That is when I notice the empty bed beside me, no longer held her,

The game that we were playing before, still lye illuminating against the carpet.

I made my way to the big wooden door that hovered over my body.

The doorknob beneath my grip was frigid, and sent chills down my spine.

The TV was still discordant, making me want to cover my ears for silence.

That's when I noticed the dining room light blaring into my vision.

There was a cup lying on its side on top of the counter out of my reach.

Single drips of room temperature water dripped from its mouth.

The floor haunted my feet with its numbing cold, I shivered;

That's when I noticed the barren hallway that looked like it went on forever.

As I stepped to warm carpet my heart slowed to a normal rate,

The doors to my left and right left me feeling helpless and alone.

That's when I approached his door; never will I forget its presence.

The towering oak above me lingered in my mind as I grabbed its knob.

Everything seemed ordinary but it was looming an eerie presence.

The clothes were still in two separate piles, darks and whites.

The comforter on the bed was disoriented, and no one was inside.

Breathing became heavy, and my chest weighed to the floor.

I bolted; nothing could slow me down, nobody could make me stop, but him.

I reached the living room once again, when there was a tapping at the door.

I hid; I was terrified and shaking in a ball behind the couch, when I saw them.

They were Sherry's neighbors, their greeting held a saddened shadow.

They turned on the cartoons as I sat wondering what was happening,

Just then car lights shined brightly in the window, it was daddy! He was here!

Except it wasn't. It was my aunt Julie, tears smeared on her cheeks.

She picked me up and carried me to her car, and fastened me tight.

The streetlights kept my eyes drifting open, but eventually it was too much.

I fell into a sudden sleep, dreaming up times with my father.

When I awoke I was in my grandmother's house, sheets over my body.

I stepped into the living room, to see familiar faces starring, he was missing.

He is forever gone...

(not edited)

Ringing bells and chimneys

I can't even wait for Christmas! There's something about seeing people recieve things I've gotten them that just makes me feel so amazing! I love that suspense too, with waiting to open gifts, when I was younger it was excruciating!! Now that I'm sixteen it's still that bad! I love watching my cousins anxiety levels rise the closer we get to the final tearing of the paper. But I also love the before Christmas times too!
Like black Friday my mom, aunt Julie, Aunt Lori, my grandma, and myself go shopping at 3:30 in the morning. Were out there freezing waiting in line for the best gifts for the family. We hit all the ads on Thanksgiving evening, planning where were going first and circling the best deals. It's such a rush! Then when were all done we head to my Aunt Julie's house and sit in her craft room and wrap gifts. I love doing that because, it's a super fun way to spend time with my family.
I also love baking cookies! Usually I do it with my mom, and sometimes my grandma and my cousins.
Thank goodness for the holidays!