What if, no thanks:)

My IHome is blarring through the speakers that are way to old to even function without making some wierd squeeking noise. I wanted them to work. Just for this song, for these three minutes and forty two seconds. But it doesn't. It squeeks and rattles, and makes a terribly annoying noise to the point where I just give up. I've been doing that a lot lately. Giving up. Not being patient or understanding with things and situations. I just blow it off. Somehow there is this feeling I get of guilt. But then sometimes it feels good. Like I don't have to care about all the little nothings anymore. All the little dramas that don't matter. Then I do the "what if" scenerio. "What if he would have changed....What if that was a good ending....What if...What if...What if."

Please don't swat me no more

I was always the confident one. The one who didn't care what was going on, or what people thought of me. Until I met you. I soon took more then an hour to get ready in the morning. I tried on ninety outfits before deciding with the one I had on first. I bought vanilla chapstick. I went all out for you. Then it was over. Like the end of a good book, like the defeat of a close match, like the end of your favorite song, it was over. I thought I was fine. I only cried everyday for about a month, when we stopped speaking. Until you sat right behind me and I couldn't resist. Every time you put your foot up on my seat, I shivered. I acted annoyed but secretly I wanted more, more then you would offer. Then came time for a switch. Again devastated because you weren't there. Having to see you with her, laughing, wrestling, driving. It kills me. Cliche I know. But it litteraly does. I can't breathe when you walk by, my lungs fill with lust, then my heart shatters. It spills into my eyes so I can't blink, cascades down my legs into my feet so I soon become imobilized.
Why sometimes does fate decide to only have one player in a game for two? Did I do something wrong in a past life? I don't think it's fair that I sit here, hoping, wishing, praying, watching, needing, while you kick back not even knowing anythings going on. I purpously walk past you, nudge you, smirk at you, but nothing. You brush it off like an annoying bug lurking on your shoulder. I'm done. I'm done being brushed off. I need this so bad, it hurts. It's all I focus on. I can't concentrate. Not even now while I'm trying to write this.

dreadful dizzy dangerous disgusting disapproving daydreams

Dreams. I can't even bare a glance your way. Everytime I try I feel my stomach churn. My emotions overcome me and I can't breathe. I don't even want to. All I want is steal more glances your way but I can't. Your forbidden. Maybe that's why my thoughts crave you. That's why I can't think at all. I don't want to think because it's endless thinking of you. I can't stop myself. But I don't want to. I love that i need you this way. But then I remember I'm suppose to hate you. All of my contradicting thoughts make my head hurt or maybe it's the furious butterflies bruising my stomach. Dark purple little dents develop across my interior. I feel it with every breath I take in so sharply. There are about twenty kids surrounding us. Yet I only see you, i only hear you. Your laugh, your voice, it haunts my thoughts. My mind pushes my body towards you. The closer I feel the further you walk away from me. Soon I'm falling and I can't stop. Until I'm crying, pleading for you. Then it's black. I awake.
What is a dream? It's intense. It's exciting. It's vivid. But sometimes terrifying. What do dreams even me? Is there a significance to them? I feel as though it's your sub conscience way of telling you somethings up. Either with mixed messages or something so easy as you should go to the bathroom right now.
It scares me wondering what my dreams mean. Do I secretly want what I dream about? Should I persue the person who I'm dreaming about?
All of these thoughts race through my head on top of the fact I have a pretty heavy dream to deal with. It gives me a headache and I just want to stop. Until I go to class and your right there. Staring at me. And I can no longer escape what I tried so hardly to forget. You smile. I cringe. I can't help it the lop sided butterfly feeling is definitly not my style. I don't even know why people like this feeling or why they think it's butterflies. It makes me want to throw up, because it feels like unsteady frogs leeping around in the pit of my stomach. I loathe this feeling but I never want it to stop. Maybe it doesn't have to.

Bloom

My fingers glide through each page almost faster then I can read them. I'm so overloaded with emotions I need to read what's going to happen. She kisses him the, "Wrong" boy for her. I want to scream, laugh, and cry all at the same time. Goosebumps rise throughout my body. My breath quickens, the more I need her to kiss him. My eyes water at the pure thought of how extatic she is. This girl who has never felt love because her mother abandoned he, her father is never home, she is an only child, and her friends don't realize the real truth of it all. Until this kiss. As I study the page my mind races.
My father died, I am an only child, a lot of the time my friends never know, so where is my kiss? These books are so amazing but then so annoying. Every book I read gives me false hope. False advertising somewhat. They introduce a girl similar to me that meets a mysterious boy falls in love has one fight but still ends up with love. It's sickening.
I do everything these girls do. I'm quirky like them, shy like them, I even think like them and I'm still waiting for Brad Pitt with a paper bag lunch to walk through period three.
A lot of people say it exhists but you just look in all the wrong places. Bull. Some people are just the lucky ones, the exception to the rule. And have you ever seen the exceptions? Skinny, gorgeous, and perfect. The right girl, the girl every high school boy lusts over. Can't society mix it up a bit, and give all the plain jane girls like me a chance?
It's hard writing in a blog what exact emotion I'm talking about. Not even a poem of mine would sum it up, but what do they even sum up lately anyways?
I guess what I'm trying to say is keep reading about all of these girls and maybe you will turn into one.