We climbed on. I have to admit, I was nervous. But I knew I'd be alright just because, you were there. It jolted. One, then two, more seats closer to the top. My legs shook. My intestines were training for the Olympics inside my stomach. Then another quick jolt and we were moving. Laughing. Everything about the way you spoke made me smile. Even when I thought, the cart was going to kill us, you still managed to make me laugh. You leaned forward, looking towards your friends. I screamed and clenched my hand to your leg. Once, twice, then after three grabs, you got the idea that I was scared. You held me, tight but secure. I loved every minute of it. Soon and fast the ride was over. We climbed off hand in hand walking around, being together. I've never been so happy, so sure it was real this time. Then a quiet walk home. It was dark, the street lamps were shining brightly, casting our shadows perfectly on the sidewalk. We talked. About everything and nothing. But it was, something, to me. Soon after, it stopped. The calls, the messages, the love. Then came the tears, ice cream, and the Notebook.
Why do feelings have to stop. Why can't they just keep feeling forever. They all say, "He doesn't deserve you...he just wasn't ready...there are other, better fish in the sea, he just couldn't handle an amazing girl like you..." Bullshit. It's all bullshit. They tell you things like that, so you don't think it's your fault. Instead it makes you want to compromise yourself, so he does deserve you, and can handle you. You change your morals, your clothes, your friends. Just to make one guy happy, who has probably already moved on.
I'm done with it. Done with the disappointment. Maybe if I completely hold back, I'll never get hurt...again.
"Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse."
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